Week 12: food that makes you hungry

 Motivation is a weird bitch when you get to thinking about it. For starters I’ve never experienced a “general motivation,” it is normally singularly focused on a certain task or goal and rarely (read: never) bleeds over to other aspects of my life. It’s also fickle as fuck and frequently dips out prior to actually bringing the task into the end zone. It’s like when mikes secret stuff from space jam runs out…except I’m not a loony toon and am subsequently forced to fight like hell to finish. I wish motivation was like pre-workout where it just fuels me across the board until it wears off. A counselor asked me this morning why I seem so discontented and tired…well damn Gina it’s because i am. Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose sounds rad but filling/refilling that heart is tough as fuck. Oh well, I’m bitching, moving on.

Not only did i have a perfect Apple Watch week by closing my stand, move, and exercise rings for seven days in a row but i finally weighed out from my body change challenge and holy shit am I pleased. Since February 16th I’m down three pounds, up three pounds of muscle mass, and down 3.5% body fat. That’s dope as fuck, and not reliant on any fad diets or supps or anything…just not treating my body like a dumpster behind a dennys anymore. Lifts are up, runs are up, and that last part btw is fucking huge to me. I ran five miles in a row…haven’t done that since like 2016. So what if i should’ve been at this point continuously since commissioning. Fuck that and screw you, I’m fucking making it today. Success turns into motivation, the food that makes you hungry…like a teenager’s metabolism.

In all honesty shit isn’t too bad. I’m hounded by constant appointments, talking about my feelings, and busting my ass to move the needle from where I am to where I want to be. Came to a realization this weekend while saying the serenity prayer: I don’t think i need help in accepting the things I cannot change. More so i need some help in accepting THAT there are things I can’t change. Trying to unfurl my calcified knuckles from the steering wheel is an increasingly difficult task but, for my own sake, i have to try.

NFCWFH / IGY6 / 988 / SCW / 58

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