Week 13: onto the next

It’s currently pissing dip and dots outside as I write this which is really dampening my demeanor, thoughts, and feelings. Thanks Colorado. Anyway the whole “let go and let god” thing is a real lock in the knackers to swallow for me. Jesus take the wheel used to be a real funny joke but now that i have to be about it…it’s kicking my ass. It’s my wheel, I’ve been driving this fuckin machine by myself for years and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let anyone tell me that they know a better path or way, even if those people have about 12 years of schooling under their belt with double that in years of experience helping people like me not jackknife off the highway. Well when u put it that way…maybe I’m the silly one.

I’m a planner and a worrier, always have been and likely always will be. I’m not satisfied by the now, i want to also know the next 25 steps or turns or all possible outcomes. And god forbid i have no control over the outcomes…all bets are off. I have got to let this shit go or else I’ll lose my damn mind. Surprisingly enough there are very very very few things i have complete control over. It’s imperative to just keep my side of the street clean and the rest of the neighborhood will come along in time. More often than not I’m asking for the serenity to accept THAT i can’t change things, not just the things (yes this is what i said last week and no, don’t care). Work in progress.

I finished my run program last week! I don’t recall the last time I ran 6 miles in one go…Iraq maybe…or the 10 miler in college. Either way i averaged a 10 minute pace for the whole 10k and me and running can now go our separate ways for a while. Maybe I’ll return if I need to, maybe I’ll knee a 4x4 just to prevent that from happening. Who’s to say, couldn’t be me. The lifting shit is charging ahead at speed too, still fat but now it’s more of a kinda hunky, kinda chunky situation. At least my jeans fit better and i don’t leave a permanent circular Levi’s tattoo under my belly button anymore. Haven’t cooked much recently but i also haven’t been working too much (i donated some people juice last week and that recipient is getting LOADS of antidepressants).

Never really been one for meditating but i will say that sometimes I’ve got to take the hamster off the wheel. To do that, i mostly just breathe and focus on the here and now. What am I hearing, what can I see, what can I touch, and am I in imminent or incipient danger. If the answer is no (it is…always…well sometimes Loki scares me but i digress) then repeat until my heart stops racing. Clean your own house, paddle your own canoe, and don’t be the old man shaking fist at clouds.

NFCWFH / IGY6 / 988 / SCW / 65