Week 14: self-imposed challenge mode

 What’s nuts is just how bad your brain can make a situation seem to be before you ever give it a fighting chance. I had spent the past…well almost a month now absolutely dreading this trip back to San Antonio because i was terrified of the results. I’d spent two whole months developing good habits, eating right, working out, and putting significant time and effort into improving my mental/behavioral health. I revered my progress and thus sought to shelter the fuck out of it in light of old settings and situations. Could I stay sober while playing golf in the sun? Could I enjoy the company of people who only knew me and likely expected me to act as a raging drunken lunatic? God what about flying? Hadn’t flown without a drink or two in a long while. Shit maybe i should just stay home and avoid the danger.

Newsflash: there was no danger and I’m incredibly happy that i didn’t let the fear win. It was an amazing trip and I had a fucking blast. A few things here: soda water and lime is an absolute life saver in maintaining good habits. On top of that, there was absolutely no negative judgement whatsoever. Even more so, a few people actually lauded the effort and struck up conversations about their own road to right (roll credits, again). I mean it wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies, it’s a bitch trying to see as many people as possible in a set amount of days which always leaves me feeling shitty as if I could’ve done more. All that to say in general, life was good.

Life isn’t just “was” good actually it IS good. My cardio and lifting are all getting back to where I was at my peak. I’m regularly getting my ass kicked in BJJ but in a good way. I’m cooking again, cleaning again, regularly talking to people again…it feels like I’ve woken up from this shit nap and am feeling more like me.

If you have kept up this far you know I tend ignore small wins and blow up all losses which generally just promotes enduring negativity. I’m working on it. It’s a bitch and a half because I’ve done it for years but it’s high time i give myself some credit. I went back to an environment I’d only known in a drunken haze and came back with my mental and physical health intact. What’s a small victory you had today? Did you extend your five mile run into a 10k because you didn’t want to get showed up by me? Celebrate that shit, put it on a cake and eat it. Life is too short to wait for V-Day wins.

NFCWFH / IGY6 / 988 / SCW / 74