Week 22: this shit sucks

 It isn’t actually that bad, i just kinda liked the juxtaposition between last week and this weeks entry. I know I’m late, I’d make an excuse but i literally thought about doing this Monday and Tuesday and just didn’t. Official business first this week: back in the gym and back rolling in BJJ after taking last week off due to a business trip to Indy. I’m sore and this new program is a brutal son of a bitch. The business trip was, to be frank, the in person version of an email but it’s necessary and now done. Complaining gets me nowhere. Coming home to an empty house is super depressing and I’m having a hard time getting myself to do what I need to do. But enough about all of that, on to some more introspective stuff.

It’s really becoming a beating trying to balance what I want to do and what others want me to do. Well, more so It’s impossible without burning out and losing my mind trying to make everyone happy. Truly, that’s the practice/proclivity that breeds negativity and despair in my life. I’m a people pleaser, i prioritize what others want over what I want and I do that to a fault. What ultimately happens is that i fall short of others expectations while also burning myself out so nobody is satisfied and everyone is unhappy…a status that exacerbates my internal loathing and welcome to the downward spiral.

My therapist likes to point out that I have anger issues, in that I don’t ever deal with anger. Part of that is healthy boundary settings while the other half is “smile and wave boys, don’t be a nuisance by being upset.” I say all of that to say that I’m now implementing some healthy boundaries and prioritizing shit i specifically want to do and relegating unproductive shit lower on the totem pole. How’s it gonna work? Welp…it’s going to feel alien and I’ll likely hate it from the jump. But if I can just start feeling more even keel and satisfied…maybe it’ll work out to my favor in the end.

Putting yourself first shouldn’t be seen as selfish, because at the end of time you’re alone in your casket. Make Justin first again? We shall see.

NFCWFH / IGY6 / 988 / SCW / 130

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