Week 27: some Bob Dylan song

 There’s a parable somewhere about needing to change the environment in order to experience growth and flourish. Maybe I’m thinking about the urban legend that goldfish and crocs will continue to grow until limited by their environment (which has gotta be bullshit right, like crocs in the wild don’t get up to lake placid size). Either way the point is that there’s only so much that you can do to affect change before looking at external factors that may be limiting your overall growth. That’s a hard fucking pill to swallow for someone with the self-esteem of a newt. See my favorite cognitive distortion is personalization in blame, meaning basically i default to everything being my fault because it’s cleaner than holding people accountable. It’s what has led to my therapist calling “radical ignorance” and a “crippling fear of healthy boundary setting”. I’ve always been this way as far as I can tell, it’s led me to some really shitty spots and super negative thinking. Like too negative, dangerously negative thinking. The truth of the matter (and if i would just once listen to myself and grant myself some grace) is that life is so rarely that black and white. In most disagreements/fights/conflicts it is super rare to find one party 100% at fault. So yeah I’ve been doing my damnedest at cleaning up my side of the street across many facets of my life this year. There’s been a lot of soul searching, trial and error, and headaches involved. All of that work though is continuously pushing me to a point where I really like who I am. And yet, when shit goes awry, be it in an interpersonal relationship or with an entity/organization…i again want to default to “my bad dog that ones on me”. Nobody said mental health was easy.

There are some big things changing in the next coming months, it’s exciting and yet terrifying because boy oh boy do I fucking hate change. Always have, ask my folks. One time I was like five and my mom got a radical hair makeover and I refused to talk to her. Similar time frame, dad sold his big blue truck and i bawled like a (fittingly) toddler. Change is uncomfortable, it’s awkward and takes work to jive with. It’s gross and as a grown ass man i have no qualms with admitting that I still fucking hate it.

But change is essential. This journey has solidified my understanding that to get from where I was to where I want to go I’ve got to change some things. Once your side of the street is clean, if you still resent the neighborhood it may be time to move. Cryptic? Yeah sorry about that I can’t really go into any much detail at this point, still in the infancy of things. That said when I know more you will. In the meantime, the things i have total control over are rockin and rollin along. I stopped caring so much about my weight and am more so focused on my health. The gym goes at a rapid clip and the dieting is…more like an attempt to follow some general guidelines than measuring. Shout out to my doc though, that man has perfected the art of calling me on my shit before i start talking. Btw if anyone gets anything from this, please don’t be afraid to seek some counseling. There are a lot of apps and resources out there…it’s been the best initiative of my life and has likely saved me more times than I can count. Anyways, peace out Girl Scout.

NFCWFH / IGY6 / 988 / SCW / 164