Week 46: no rest for the wicked

 “How many times have I said i was gonna be someone when i get back on to my feet? Tomorrow im gonna make changes, cuz today I can barely speak. I know how to pull myself out and it’s gonna hurt like hell to set myself free. Just say it out loud, today’s the day I stop fucking around, and be the better me.”

God damnit does this band know how to kick you in the nads when you need to feel your feels. That one is “The Better Me” by Beartooth…mind you yesterday was Sunshine! Which is far more positive but you know how it goes, ebbs and flows and all.

Not gonna lie man last week fuckin sucked. Between having to sit through some dumb as hell army training for half the week with an absolute killer migraine to being 100% incompetent in BJJ to having even more complications thrown in the path between me and transition to the civilian world…it was a doozy. The good thing was it improved slightly when the weekend hit, actually got to see some folks i haven’t been able to see for a while and also got out to throw some disc golf…and didn’t suck too terribly bad. Ebbs and flows. I sit here and complain often that I wish for some simplicity and calm in my life but tbh I’d have no fucking clue what to do with it and it would likely drive me nuts to the point of self sabotage. I think that may actually be the reason people in survival mode are prone to self sabotage…they’ve been molded to thrive under pressure and in the shit…so when life is good it’s bad and they’ve gotta make it back to bad. But survival mode is no way to live unless you’re looking for an early grave or a comfy padded cell.

The longer I keep up with this project the more I wonder what’s going to happen at the turn of the year. The whole reason I made this public was as a cheat code for accountability, but that necessity is long gone. In fact as of writing this, the only real reason I keep posting is because i set a goal for one year. Maybe I keep up with the platform just stop posting entries to Facebook or maybe i stop the digital recording altogether and transition to a standard journal. I’ve got six weeks to figure it out 🤷🏻‍♂️

The gym is the gym, the diet is healthy-ish, and I’ve got to get a lot of training in before destroying my waistline with thanksgiving. Accountability complete, I’m alive and doing my best.

NFCWFH / IGY6 / 988 / SCW / 298

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