Road to Right: Justin’s accountability tour

Let’s pull back the curtain even more so than usual. The process for writing these entries, save for very notable weeks, often follow a very similar format. Typically it’s somewhere between Monday and Thursday and it occurs to me that it’s time for my checkin. Then i start digging through my calendar, photos, texts, and social media trying to figure out what of note happened in the week I’m recapping and draft up a general shape of what I’m writing about and any big things on my mind. On very routine uneventful weeks like last week, i stare at my phone for like an hour with no clue where im going with it. Eventually tho, I’ll just start writing and the entry kinda completes itself. These weeks are generally the toughest because not only can I not think of anything significant to share, I’m also disheartened to realize how monotonous and boring I can be. Not that I’m a high seeking, petulant child that needs to be entertained every day…but the seemingly endless march in circles while ev...

 “How many times have I said i was gonna be someone when i get back on to my feet? Tomorrow im gonna make changes, cuz today I can barely speak. I know how to pull myself out and it’s gonna hurt like hell to set myself free. Just say it out loud, today’s the day I stop fucking around, and be the better me.” God damnit does this band know how to kick you in the nads when you need to feel your feels. That one is “The Better Me” by Beartooth…mind you yesterday was Sunshine! Which is far more positive but you know how it goes, ebbs and flows and all. Not gonna lie man last week fuckin sucked. Between having to sit through some dumb as hell army training for half the week with an absolute killer migraine to being 100% incompetent in BJJ to having even more complications thrown in the path between me and transition to the civilian world…it was a doozy. The good thing was it improved slightly when the weekend hit, actually got to see some folks i haven’t been able to see for a while and a...

 Sat on this one for a bit, honestly didn’t know if I was going to keep up with the project after last week. Truth be told somewhere between the seasons changing, being sick as shit, and being locked in a holding pattern i walked my happy ass into a nice dark corner and just kinda lived in it. That’s one of the things people don’t say about depression. Sure sure it’s the very sad times and the woe is me times…but frequently it’s finding yourself in the shit and just accepting it. Not getting up and fighting or putting in the effort to make things better…it’s the “this is fine” meme while everything burns around you because it’s just so fucking tiring to pull yourself out. Times like those are when my drinking got absolutely out of control before I quit, because i didn’t want to change the surroundings, more so i just wanted to be numb to it after admitting defeat and accepting life forever would be that way. It’s a tricky bitch sometimes kids, look out for your friends. Music has t...

Honestly there isn’t too much to report on here, mainly that i did the work thing and the gym thing and the BJJ thing and the hobby thing like i was supposed to. Well not supposed to, that sounds like I’m required to do things that are both healthy and beneficial for myself. Full disclosure, I’m writing this on day 3 of sitting on the couch watching supernatural and popping dayquill because the season change officially got yer boy good. I will say i got to have a conversation and give away some of the knowledge I’ve gotten this year through introspection and copious amounts of counseling. I tend to do that. Whether it’s lifting programs, thinking trap advice, or technical applications i have found that i tend to do the coach teach mentor thing. It’s what I’m good at, it’s what comes natural, and it makes me feel good. Scratch that last part, because it also leads to self questioning if I’m being patronizing by mansplaining shit. I guess all i can really do is throw it out there in a co...