Road to Right: Justin’s accountability tour

 Half a year has no elapsed since i took some massive steps to righting the ship and fixing the trajectory of my life. Six months of trying new shit, forcing myself to do the work and clean my side of the street, coming to terms with some sneaky character defects and unlearning some destructive responses to negative stimuli. It hasn’t been easy by a long shot and I’ve still got some growing up to do but at the very least…this place I’m at feels sustainable. Which i mean, isn’t that really what we’re all after? How often do you find yourself saying “yeah but after this week, it’ll all level out”? It has been the motto for the last ten years. But with practice and routine maintenance, hard shit becomes second nature and the train rolls on without fully being aware of it. Starting a cut! I’ve been doing the recomp stuff for so long i figured it’s time to focus on losing some body fat and stop eating like an asshole. Yeah so apparently filling the drinking calories with fast food calor...

 Last week genuinely sucked, and not the type of existential terrible that puts people in the psych ward. More so the suck that has you exhausted falling asleep fully clothed and upright on the couch. But with that week down comes the proof that truthfully, all things pass. Let’s get into it. Night shift all week, not ideal in the least. The transition from days to nights isn’t so bad, just pop on a movie and crush a gram of caffeine you’ll survive. The back and forth however isn’t for the faint of heart. We had four days of nights (productive too, hitting the gym when i should and rolling after shift in the morning) followed by a traditional day for the BJJ tournament, followed by two more nights and then a late ADTR concert in Denver. I don’t expect sleeping to regulate until this weekend. But again, here i stand alive and (mostly) breathing. Yeah the tournament wasn’t what i made it up to be in my head…shit was hard. I went 1-2 in no gi and 0-2 in gi. That is kinda to be expecte...

Story time: so between concussions, substances, and general army life my memory is not exactly what it used to be. So when a ticket gets dropped in my axs account (think Ticketmaster if you are unfamiliar) i didn’t think twice about it. It’s hootie and the blowfish, right up the alley of what Liz and I would go watch. Plus we go to concerts all the time so i just figured we planned this and forgot about it. So it’s Wednesday, the day of the concert. I read the ticket as 5:30pm start and work has been nuts so darn, no concert for me. I transfer the ticket to Liz. When she responded with “what’s this” i should’ve been tipped off that something was weird but like gump said: I’m not a smart man. So I get home, am corrected about the 7:30pm start time, and decide to go after all. Here’s where it gets weird. Liz says we need to buy a second ticket. “My sister in Christ what do you mean a second ticket, what happened to yours?” There was no ticket. Yeah turns out some ghost lady sent me this ...

 There’s a parable somewhere about needing to change the environment in order to experience growth and flourish. Maybe I’m thinking about the urban legend that goldfish and crocs will continue to grow until limited by their environment (which has gotta be bullshit right, like crocs in the wild don’t get up to lake placid size). Either way the point is that there’s only so much that you can do to affect change before looking at external factors that may be limiting your overall growth. That’s a hard fucking pill to swallow for someone with the self-esteem of a newt. See my favorite cognitive distortion is personalization in blame, meaning basically i default to everything being my fault because it’s cleaner than holding people accountable. It’s what has led to my therapist calling “radical ignorance” and a “crippling fear of healthy boundary setting”. I’ve always been this way as far as I can tell, it’s led me to some really shitty spots and super negative thinking. Like too negativ...

 I think I’ve been fairly transparent through this endeavor as far as I could without also putting other peoples shit on the front page. My hope is that somebody reading this gets some help or reassurance through their own pursuits of betterment. I love it when y’all celebrate wins with me but it can’t all be rainbows and unicorns. So yeah, we entered a little bit of a sour patch and it’s not fun. The dynamic at work is shifting, I’ve stopped being a slacking captain and have started becoming a key player in the shop, and I feel pretty dang good about that. Confident, capable, proficient, and smart; I’ve been helping out in a whole lot of areas as a jack of all trades. Yippee. The gym and training and everything is moving along as usual as well. Progress is being made, I’m not having to force myself into the gym, BJJ is improving and I even signed up to compete in a tournament this month. So double yippee. Here’s where shit turns south, I’m starting the feel this looming depression...