Road to Right: Justin’s accountability tour

 This shit is fucking hard. Look man I’m gonna be honest here i know that frequently this thread reads like a cross behind a self-help book and a massive whiny emo album and today it’s the latter. This shit is hard man. You very rarely appreciate just how unsettling the unknown is, in that when i stopped knowing when my transition will be i started losing my shit at an incredibly rapid clip. You go from having a solid handle on everything negative (inconvenient, unfortunate, undesired, etc) to getting overwhelmed and crying in your car to the greatest showman soundtrack. From a friend’s experience of course, certainly not my ever eroding mental stability. It’s kinda shameful too, especially when you take in to account that I’ve spent 10 fucking months building out the toolkit to better handle myself when life gets lifey. A person that has invested that much time in resilience shouldn’t roid rage out when shits sour. We’re better than that, I’m better than that. But hey fuck it, thi...

 Holy shit team can we please just sit in a lull for longer than a few days without something drastic popping off? Yeah i know i get it, so is the nature of life, but for the love of all that is holy id kill to just be bored once in a while. Fuck, alright cool let’s get into this. Two weeks ago i was swimming in the job market thinking that my time in the army was going to be coming to an end quicker than i had originally planned. This induced panic, I’m hardly comfortable in the idea that I’ll have to pick my clothes out for work but shifting up the transition by a few months was wild. That’s right about the time I got hit by another bomb, this one changing the timeline to, yet again, undetermined. So to recap: over the span of three days I went from having three months left of transition to having two weeks of transition, back down to “no idea kid, just hold on.” I guess that’s to be expected honestly, I’ve spent half of this year in a holding pattern waiting to learn about my fu...

 Eh i mean sorta locked in. I’d say i have a solid excuse in that we were traveling all weekend and got back in town later Monday afternoon but that wouldn’t necessarily account for missing it yesterday too. Let’s just call a spade a spade and say we are doing our best 👍  Right where were we…oh yeah the pit of despair. So we did something we hadn’t done in forever and went exploring in Colorado last weekend. Took off on Thursday to get some hella hiking in and check off another national park off of our list (black canyon of the gunnison…pwetty fweakin sweet). On top of that squatober started back up and i immediately fell two days behind (will make up this weekend). BJJ is going but all of these trips are preventing me from signing up for another competition (which is a subtle win because i feel like im regressing on that front). I guess on paper everything is somewhere between hot shot and hot shit. These are the doldrums that seem almost impossible to escape. This feeling o...

 Thanks dad. Yeah so obviously it’s Wednesday morning and this wasn’t posted on Monday. I’ll do better, moving on. I’ve been half adding a lot of things that i know i have the capacity to full ass. I know this because I’ve spent the past 33ish weeks doing them and doing them well. I’ve let myself get distracted by the big things in the future and derail the focus on the now. Well no more. See today is day two of squatober and if you half ass this thing it will eat you alive. Last week was awesome. Getting back in the gym and getting back to rolling really did a number on my patience and mental fortitude while helping me realize I’ve also come a significant way from the beginning. While i didn’t have any grandiose meltdowns for sucking at BJJ, i did feel that all to familiar and ugly feeling of sucking and wanting desperately to quit. It’s such a pivotal feeling too because at any time old me would just cut and run from it because it’s uncomfortable. But living in that shit feeling ...