Road to Right: Justin’s accountability tour

 Honestly nothing too profound occurred to me last week, it really was a business as usual kind of situation. Appointments, gym, work, very run of the mill stuff. So in light of a cut-copy-paste week, i figured I’d take some time to look back on how everything’s been going. 1/3 of the year has come and gone so may as well. These posts used to have accountability notes in them; whether they were a count of workouts completed that week or stats from running, even how many times i cooked and what i made. It’s interesting that it hasn’t occurred to me to include those anymore because I’ve finally settled back in to a spot where the workouts are expected. It’s back to being a significant and steadfast part of my day. On top of that it’s become more common place that I’m eating right (ish), sleeping right (ish), and just generally doing things I want to do that build into who I want to be. The past couple of weeks have all been attitude focused, or mindset and emotionally forward. That’s...

 Full shout out to Mike for keeping me honest about this thing, last week was just kind of a beating and keeping up with this thing is sometimes a pain in the ass. That said, here we go. Remember that whole “spiritual cardio” thing i was talking about? So i brought that to a therapist and turns out im an analogy genius. Dude goes “I’m gonna use that, thanks.” No worries doctor guy. Anyway doctor man also informed me that the “emotional zone 2 training” exists and it is actively grieving my disappointments and angers. Ok so…what the fuck. Because I’m over here thinking that I’m doing some really good cognitive practicing by looking on the bright side or defeating cognitive distortions…now you are saying it’s a defense mechanism and I’m playing avoidance instead of processing the pain? Fuck, this shit is hard. So i let myself feel some feelings over the weekend and yeah it drug me down. Jury is still out on if that helped at all. Solo birthdays with shit weather are just becoming par...

 Do you like fitness analogies? Great/sorry, because here comes the best way to describe today’s exhaustion. Now I’m not a counselor, nor am I a personal trainer, so feel free to ignore everything I’m about to write. At the very least it makes sense to me. So in the cardio world you have what is called zone training wherein your goal is to maintain a certain heart rate zone for a target amount of time ( https://greatist.com/fitness/heart-rate-zones ). Now the thing about cardiovascular fitness is that the more fit you are, the more work you can do while staying in a lower zone. Conversely, if you were me in February (read:sedentary, out of shape, and generally struggling) you can spike into zones 4 or 5 by merely climbing a flight of stairs. I’m serious, a very very very light jog threw me into zone 5 and i felt like i was going to keel over from an exploded heart. In summation; the fitter you are the more work you can do with less effort. Here’s where the analogy comes in to play....

 What’s nuts is just how bad your brain can make a situation seem to be before you ever give it a fighting chance. I had spent the past…well almost a month now absolutely dreading this trip back to San Antonio because i was terrified of the results. I’d spent two whole months developing good habits, eating right, working out, and putting significant time and effort into improving my mental/behavioral health. I revered my progress and thus sought to shelter the fuck out of it in light of old settings and situations. Could I stay sober while playing golf in the sun? Could I enjoy the company of people who only knew me and likely expected me to act as a raging drunken lunatic? God what about flying? Hadn’t flown without a drink or two in a long while. Shit maybe i should just stay home and avoid the danger. Newsflash: there was no danger and I’m incredibly happy that i didn’t let the fear win. It was an amazing trip and I had a fucking blast. A few things here: soda water and lime is ...

It’s currently pissing dip and dots outside as I write this which is really dampening my demeanor, thoughts, and feelings. Thanks Colorado. Anyway the whole “let go and let god” thing is a real lock in the knackers to swallow for me. Jesus take the wheel used to be a real funny joke but now that i have to be about it…it’s kicking my ass. It’s my wheel, I’ve been driving this fuckin machine by myself for years and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let anyone tell me that they know a better path or way, even if those people have about 12 years of schooling under their belt with double that in years of experience helping people like me not jackknife off the highway. Well when u put it that way…maybe I’m the silly one. I’m a planner and a worrier, always have been and likely always will be. I’m not satisfied by the now, i want to also know the next 25 steps or turns or all possible outcomes. And god forbid i have no control over the outcomes…all bets are off. I have got to let this shit go or el...